Bayny wa..bayny. Between me and...myself.

The problem is not being alone. I am getting to know people, going out to dance, cinema, and other social events. The problem is being with myself. I have too many things in my mind to deal with.
And now I realize that until now I have just avoided to being with myself. Running out of my bedroom, eagerly scrolling down the contact list of my mobile, trying to find new exciting things to do every night, getting easily attached to people were only ways of escaping. You have to face them, not to run away. This is not the solution, my mother used to tell me when I was trying to avoid family gatherings at Christmas time. As now I have to face myself.

The other problem is talking about myself. Sincerely, I mean. Not forced and formal talks. I still can't open my heart to anyone. Also, I don't have the proper linguistic skills to do it. Norwegian, I can only imitate its accent. (I listen to Norwegian radio every day and I can't understand a single word but I can reproduce the accent perfectly). As for English, I have always felt it is far from my feelings. (But it's more or less familiar to anyone, that's why I use it to write this blog) 

I am sure that once I  get over these two issues, I'll become an adult. I will get used to work routine, to going back home, preparing my dinner and plunge myself in my readings or in my films. If you can't do it peacefully on your own, you are not adult enough to share this routine with any partner.

There is a nice kind of routine, as making your coffee in the morning and lighting up your first cigarette with your partner, someone used to tell me. Exactly like the couple living in front of me, that I enjoy watching every morning. They sit in front of each other, drink their coffee and smoke next to the window, not saying any word. I mean, I don't see their lips moving. She just assumes very sexy postures and keeps staring at him. And he keeps staring at her. They look very boring to me.
But then, from their window, every evening they could watch me talking and making passionate gestures in front of my monitor. I must look very childish, then.

بيني وبينك إيه .. شغلت بالي ليه
شغلوني وفاتوني .. بين همي وظنوني
بيني وبينك إيه .. شغلت بالي ليه

What is there between us?
Why did you occupy my thoughts?
Troubling me and leaving me
between my worries and concerns
What is there between us?
Why did you occupy my thoughts?
(Abdel Halim Hafez)